We all know how we want to be.
Some of us frame it as how we "should" be.
And when we stop pretending -- we all know how we are.
The part we frequently forget is how we essentially are.
How am I really -- deeply -- inside -- when I am a burning laser light of awareness, objectively observing myself and my breathtakingly beautiful world... when I am in this state I call "Beholding" I am a vessel of light, part of the Great Creator, one with all there is... these are my finest moments and they are moments of sweet Grace.
In these moments I am unconditionally loving, all knowing and ego-less.
The feeling that fills my body in these moments is a deep sense of GRATITUDE for all there is.
And when I am NOT in one of those GRACE-full beholding moments, you may find me exhausted after working 12 hours. Still stuck in front of my computer in my 3rd hour on a conference call from home, my nose running from a cold I suddenly developed early that morning, dragging my 8 year old son screaming off the living room couch because I asked him 5 times nicely to GO UPSTAIRS AND PLAY WHILE MOMMY FINISHES WORKING AND SUPPORTING YOU BECAUSE DADDY DOESN'T SEND US ANY CHILD SUPPORT...
Could I go any lower? Could I be any more vile? Perhaps. The truth is -- people have done worse. It was a moment of crappadelic unconscious exhaustion where LIFE was saying to me "Do you remember why you are even doing any of this? Do you remember who and what it is for?"
The one I love sits before me -- over and over and over with his beautiful sweet face -- calling me forth to remember WHY I do what I do --
"mommy will you come play with me?"
"mommy when will you be done?"
"mommy are you coming upstairs yet?"
"mommy I need a snuggle"
And when I leap for the couch -- not to snuggle this sweet boy but to drag him away - manage him ( not hear him or care for him ) send him off to the electronic babysitter...
I am reminded that it is NOT LIFE coming at me to barrage me and knock me down one more time
But LIFE calling forth my highest self... my loving nature, my tender heart, my purpose on the planet,
saying "Now --what will you choose?"
saying "In this moment -- who are you?"
My son is upstairs crying.
I am down stairs crying.
My friend who witnessed this event on VIDEO SKYPE says "that was NOT your finest moment."
I complete the call. My integrity shredded -- I go up the stairs. There he is sleeping still in his clothes. He is beautiful and sweet. his cheeks hot and pink from falling in to a crying sleep. I wake him gently and undress him. I pet him and I say.
"I was angry and yelling-- please forgive me. I love you and I'm sorry --Will you forgive me?
He wraps his little arms around me and gives me loving hug. He and I know, we're always ok. Even when we get angry at each other, we're always OK. We're allowed to feel our feelings with each other, with us it is safe to be real. We're allowed to have a do-over, a clean slate, a fresh start. I kiss him goodnight and pray to forgive others as easily as he forgives me.
We are HUMAN BEINGS.... BEING HUMAN.
And we are all here for one unforgettable purpose,
TO LOVE AND BE LOVED.
Period.
My parents wouldn't allow feelings -- especially anger -- and they didn't know any better-- they were doing the best they knew how. IF I screamed "I HATE you!" in anger... I received a beating that lasted until I couldn't stand up. I would NOT be repressed and I spent a lot of time black and blue. My older brother suffers from his rage-a holic behavior, unfortunately he has continued in my father's footsteps -- unknowing still -- but his children and wife, they know.
The first time my daughter told me she hated me ( I think she was 6 ) I told her that I loved her anyway and always would while she raged and shook her tiny chubby fists. I went off to cry alone in the bathroom and when I remembered myself and the truth of our continuous love, I came back out. We hugged tenderly and went for a walk outside together like best girlfriends. They were just words -- she was practicing freedom of speech ( as I taught her ) to see if I would "Walk the walk" and I did.
When she was in her twenties and my 5 younger children were teenagers and getting rebellious, she would shake her finger at me and say " You see-- this is your fault, this is what you get -- you taught us to think for ourselves, to speak our minds and to question authority!"
In each instant I have a choice --
in each nano-second I get to choose again,
with each breath I take,
I can awaken in that instant to my highest self.
The only thing that this requires is FORGIVENESS and love.
It is a simple ( but not easy ) momentary act of forgiveness.
I look into the mirror and I see the precious child who took all those beatings and would NOT repress her feelings. And I say...
"I know you are doing the best you can. You are a human being -- and you are always doing the best you can. Even when I am driving you to exhaustion-- even when I am unkind to you and call you names and emotionally beat you up, even when I don't let you rest or sing or write or do the things that you love-- you are still here doing the best that you can -- I love you and I forgive you and I am going to put you to bed and let you rest now. Please forgive me for being so hard on you -- I promise to be gentle and loving to you -- my dear beloved friend."
I am crying with relief as I look into the beautiful face of my best friend. All is forgiven.
After I forgive myself -- it is so much easier for me to stop beating up everyone else.
I learn from my children -- forgiveness is an instant decision --almost thought less-- my oldest son ( who used to be angry MOST of the time ) reminds me "You can have a clean slate any time you choose, Mom -- You just choose."
It just takes that Quantum leap, I change my mind -- and the slate is clean. I change a thought, and I am back in a loving relationship with myself and others.
I can make up something horrible about my angry 6 year old like :
"If she tells me she HATES me -- that mean she doesn't respect me and she'll probably become a bad seed and wind up in jail, and it will be all my fault and I will have failed completely as a mother and have to kill myself!"
Or I can see a 6 year old who is angry for a moment. That's it. It doesn't mean anything else, not about her-- not about me and NOT about life.
It's a relief for me to remind myself that:
the bad news is I create my life by what I think about it and how much I choose to make up lies and live in my head believing those lies, or choosing to tell the truth.
the good news is I create my life by what I think about it and how much I choose to make up lies and live in my head believing those lies, or choosing to tell the truth.
In either case -- I get to decide. Over and over -- I get to decide.
So do you.
You might look in the mirror tonight -- to see your TRUE beloved. When you do -- give that precious soul my regards
and my love too.
Cindy
PS-- oh-- and -- don't believe everything you think -- just because it happens to be in your head, doesn't make it true :-)
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