How I want to be, how I am, and the beat goes on...

We all know how we want to be.

Some of us frame it as how we "should" be.

And when we stop pretending -- we all know how we are.

The part we frequently forget is how we essentially are.
How am I really -- deeply -- inside -- when I am a burning laser light of awareness, objectively observing myself and my breathtakingly beautiful world... when I am in this state I call "Beholding" I am a vessel of light, part of the Great Creator, one with all there is... these are my finest moments and they are moments of sweet Grace.

In these moments I am unconditionally loving, all knowing and ego-less.

The feeling that fills my body in these moments is a deep sense of GRATITUDE for all there is.

And when I am NOT in one of those GRACE-full beholding moments, you may find me exhausted after working 12 hours. Still stuck in front of my computer in my 3rd hour on a conference call from home, my nose running from a cold I suddenly developed early that morning, dragging my 8 year old son screaming off the living room couch because I asked him 5 times nicely to GO UPSTAIRS AND PLAY WHILE MOMMY FINISHES WORKING AND SUPPORTING YOU BECAUSE DADDY DOESN'T SEND US ANY CHILD SUPPORT...

Could I go any lower? Could I be any more vile? Perhaps. The truth is -- people have done worse. It was a moment of crappadelic unconscious exhaustion where LIFE was saying to me "Do you remember why you are even doing any of this? Do you remember who and what it is for?"

The one I love sits before me -- over and over and over with his beautiful sweet face -- calling me forth to remember WHY I do what I do --

"mommy will you come play with me?"
"mommy when will you be done?"
"mommy are you coming upstairs yet?"
"mommy I need a snuggle"

And when I leap for the couch -- not to snuggle this sweet boy but to drag him away - manage him ( not hear him or care for him ) send him off to the electronic babysitter...

I am reminded that it is NOT LIFE coming at me to barrage me and knock me down one more time

But LIFE calling forth my highest self... my loving nature, my tender heart, my purpose on the planet,

saying "Now --what will you choose?"

saying "In this moment -- who are you?"

My son is upstairs crying.

I am down stairs crying.

My friend who witnessed this event on VIDEO SKYPE says "that was NOT your finest moment."

I complete the call. My integrity shredded -- I go up the stairs. There he is sleeping still in his clothes. He is beautiful and sweet. his cheeks hot and pink from falling in to a crying sleep. I wake him gently and undress him. I pet him and I say.

"I was angry and yelling-- please forgive me. I love you and I'm sorry --Will you forgive me?

He wraps his little arms around me and gives me loving hug. He and I know, we're always ok. Even when we get angry at each other, we're always OK. We're allowed to feel our feelings with each other, with us it is safe to be real. We're allowed to have a do-over, a clean slate, a fresh start. I kiss him goodnight and pray to forgive others as easily as he forgives me.

We are HUMAN BEINGS.... BEING HUMAN.

And we are all here for one unforgettable purpose,

TO LOVE AND BE LOVED.

Period.

My parents wouldn't allow feelings -- especially anger -- and they didn't know any better-- they were doing the best they knew how. IF I screamed "I HATE you!" in anger... I received a beating that lasted until I couldn't stand up. I would NOT be repressed and I spent a lot of time black and blue. My older brother suffers from his rage-a holic behavior, unfortunately he has continued in my father's footsteps -- unknowing still -- but his children and wife, they know.

The first time my daughter told me she hated me ( I think she was 6 ) I told her that I loved her anyway and always would while she raged and shook her tiny chubby fists. I went off to cry alone in the bathroom and when I remembered myself and the truth of our continuous love, I came back out. We hugged tenderly and went for a walk outside together like best girlfriends. They were just words -- she was practicing freedom of speech ( as I taught her ) to see if I would "Walk the walk" and I did.

When she was in her twenties and my 5 younger children were teenagers and getting rebellious, she would shake her finger at me and say " You see-- this is your fault, this is what you get -- you taught us to think for ourselves, to speak our minds and to question authority!"

In each instant I have a choice --
in each nano-second I get to choose again,
with each breath I take,
I can awaken in that instant to my highest self.

The only thing that this requires is FORGIVENESS and love.

It is a simple ( but not easy ) momentary act of forgiveness.

I look into the mirror and I see the precious child who took all those beatings and would NOT repress her feelings. And I say...

"I know you are doing the best you can. You are a human being -- and you are always doing the best you can. Even when I am driving you to exhaustion-- even when I am unkind to you and call you names and emotionally beat you up, even when I don't let you rest or sing or write or do the things that you love-- you are still here doing the best that you can -- I love you and I forgive you and I am going to put you to bed and let you rest now. Please forgive me for being so hard on you -- I promise to be gentle and loving to you -- my dear beloved friend."
I am crying with relief as I look into the beautiful face of my best friend. All is forgiven.

After I forgive myself -- it is so much easier for me to stop beating up everyone else.

I learn from my children -- forgiveness is an instant decision --almost thought less-- my oldest son ( who used to be angry MOST of the time ) reminds me "You can have a clean slate any time you choose, Mom -- You just choose."
It just takes that Quantum leap, I change my mind -- and the slate is clean. I change a thought, and I am back in a loving relationship with myself and others.

I can make up something horrible about my angry 6 year old like :

"If she tells me she HATES me -- that mean she doesn't respect me and she'll probably become a bad seed and wind up in jail, and it will be all my fault and I will have failed completely as a mother and have to kill myself!"

Or I can see a 6 year old who is angry for a moment. That's it. It doesn't mean anything else, not about her-- not about me and NOT about life.

It's a relief for me to remind myself that:
the bad news is I create my life by what I think about it and how much I choose to make up lies and live in my head believing those lies, or choosing to tell the truth.

the good news is I create my life by what I think about it and how much I choose to make up lies and live in my head believing those lies, or choosing to tell the truth.

In either case -- I get to decide. Over and over -- I get to decide.

So do you.

You might look in the mirror tonight -- to see your TRUE beloved. When you do -- give that precious soul my regards

and my love too.

Cindy

PS-- oh-- and -- don't believe everything you think -- just because it happens to be in your head, doesn't make it true :-)

What if your Audience is the whole electronic UNIVERSE?

When I was growing up, if I wanted to share something with a large group of people I'd have to write a story and get it published. On a smaller scale , I could write a note and pass it around school --maybe 30 kids would read it. No Internet existed. No cell phones, no email, no blogging, news feeds, Instant Message, Chat Rooms, Text messaging, In fact , these words had not yet come into existence.

The world today is an instant electronic connection.

The only thing I ever imagined that could be remotely like this ( when I was growing up ) is that we would all "grok" each other psychicly -- like Heinlein's Stranger -- Valentine Michael Smith.

I still believe that we really do that.

My experience is of a" knowing" that goes beyond the way we usually think of getting information. The kind of knowing that makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck when someone is looking at me from across a room and I can "feel" them.

The kind of connection that draws someone to me, an Art Teacher -- who runs into my grocery cart at the supermarket and drops his stack of flyers for his new painting class, after I woke up that very morning and swore I would find a way to start painting again because I love it and I dreamed about painting the night before -- and I woke up with my heart full of the joy of creating.

The kind of knowing that causes a friend to phone me on my cell as my car, spinning through the air at 65 mph, crashes on its roof -- crushed in a ditch.
When I regain consciousness and answer the phone, all he says is " Oh my God-- what happened? --Are you alright?" as if he was sitting there, in the broken glass next to me, instead of a thousand miles away.

Don't believe that I don't love the internet.

I do love it -- and all the immediate electronic access we have to each other and everything.

I appreciate it -- and I am in gratitude for the freedom it gives us.

Yet I remain acutely aware of the limitations of doing this "connecting" using something artificial -- outside of our unexplored fabulous mega-computer brains, and what ever OTHER parts of us and our senses-- yet undiscovered-- that may be involved in the organic process of "knowing" and connecting.

And though I have a sense of "feeling" people when they give me an electronic (((( HUG ))))), and I get an immediate answer and immediate gratification in Instant Message Chat mode--

To me, there is nothing more basic and at the same time AWE-- FULL as standing with another being, nose to nose, toes to toes, looking into their eyes and seeing the light of their life and the delicious vulnerability of knowing that they too are seeing in to me ( now THAT'S what I call intimacy )

I believe if we allowed ourselves to completely remember the feeling of this and FEEL it ( even if it hasn't happened since our mother's did it while they nursed us at birth )
we would each admit that THAT is the high speed connection we are really longing for.

And when we are all ready to open to IT and allow ourselves to experience the true depth of our all knowing connection with each other and everything, we'll no longer have to worry about how strong our wireless signal is, or how much battery power we have left :-)


Thank You for Groking me,

Cindy